I had an emotional breakdown last night. That was the first and worst one in a long, long time. I don't know why it happened, it just did. It felt relieving to let it all out since I've been keeping it in for some time now. Right now, I'm feeling much better. I can still feel that something isn't right. Maybe it'll happen again tonight? Who knows. Lately I've been so optimistic (compared to how I was before), and I've been taking things so positively. Until last night. Who am I, anyway? I don't matter to anyone. Maybe I can be a good companion, but I don't see myself as someone other people would miss when I'm gone. I guess it's just me. I hope it's just me.
I deactivated Facebook and deleted the Twitter applications on my phone. This is probably temporary though. Maybe what I see on those two sites is what made me so down? God knows.
So, I was talking about this with Nad at school earlier. I've never lost anyone close to me. I was thinking about it the other day too. I really haven't. I don't know how it feels like and I don't know what to expect when it happens. Both my parents and my siblings are well, thankfully. So are my maternal grandparents. I lost my paternal grandfather exactly two months before my first birthday, so I was too young to feel anything. I've been living with my paternal grandmother my whole life. All my close relatives are well and healthy. I know I shouldn't be thinking about this, but how can I not? Everyone will die one day. And you know what would hurt most? When someone dies unexpectedly. Heart attacks, car accidents and all that.
Moving on, 2nd change this year?
I have stopped swearing. :)
This was my New Year's resolution many consecutive years ago, but of course it never worked. Until this year. I saw this picture sometime in January which really changed everything. I think I still have it in my phone or old laptop somewhere. I do admit I may have accidentally said bad words, but Alhamdulillah, not more than 10 times this year, I'm confident to say. Amazing, isn't it? Whoever reading this might think it's stupid, but I'm pretty happy with myself. Kinda teaches me to really watch what I say. Now, I don't even want to type bad words.
I've been thinking a lot about everything lately. I went home (after four months) a few days before Raya, and I came across my photo albums when I was a baby. I swear I was cute. I don't know what happened. And all the photos were taken in England, when I stayed there for two years since my birth. Imagine if I led that kind of lifestyle now. Also, I was browsing through my friends in UK's Facebook profiles. I think... I miss it. I miss living there. I miss Newcastle. I never really felt like I did. Maybe because I lived there for only a year from October 2003 to October 2004. Never really felt attached to anyone. I guess somewhat know how Ikha and Adani feel. They stayed there for years and years, so I can just imagine what it must be like for them. I miss the education system there. And the lifestyle I led too. Of course life was simpler when I was nine. On spring mornings, I'd walk to school with Mommy and my siblings, passing by the houses which had beautiful gardens. The flowers, the trees, the air, everything. During summer, I'd play with the other kids outside at the playground. We explored the neighbourhood on our bicycles. When it was autumn, everywhere was... beautiful. Covered with red leaves, all trees bald for that season of three months. School was good too. Recess (I think it was called playtime there) was for an hour, half the time spent in the cafeteria and the other half playing in the field. Hula hoops, footballs, skipping ropes, everything. Even assembly wasn't boring. I actually liked the hymns they sang, which I sang along to as well. Every week we had Show and Tell. During winter, the snow was always wet, and wasn't dry or heavy enough for us to play with and make snowmen, unless we were lucky. Shows on TV- I still remember Dick and Dom in da Bungalow. I remember my first favourite band was Busted, followed by McFly. I bought issues of Smash Hits which I still have now. Sleepovers at Ella's and Katie's, going to Josh's, Jonny's, Esme's, Ella's, Katie's after school for tea. Walking home to my friends' houses for projects or to read books or play the XBox. Visits to the library to borrow books and meet authors who visited sometimes. Garage sales and all the things we bought there. Not to forget the Malaysian families we made friends with there. We even went to Scotland together, a roadtrip, about three to four families. Lake District, all the mountains and beautiful sceneries which I didn't appreciate so much back then. I got a scooter which is collecting dust at home right now, which I played with nearly every single day after school with my friends from the neighbourhood. I learnt skateboarding too! Not actual skateboarding of course. I always saw the big kids skate at night outside my house, down the pretty steep hill. I played with Nazran's skateboard, sitting on it and going down the hill, doing little tricks (more of my own tricks). After some time Ayah even bought me my own skateboard, which too is at home somewhere. I also went to Alnwick Castle! Which was where they filmed some scenes in Harry Potter. Pretty cool. Also, my second trip to Disneyland Paris. I still have my autograph book somewhere. Barbecues, parties, dinners, everything. I even remember my farewell party. Mommy played my Busted CD on the radio. I had it at Giant's Den. Everything's suddenly so clear now. I really wish I can go back someday, before high school there ends. I'd love to meet everyone again. I'd love to catch up with my old friends and meet their friends. I don't know if I would be welcomed but I would really love to go again someday. Maybe, just maybe, one day, I will.
